Blog Arrears

What I couldn't post yesterday:

I'm writing this in the darkness because I can't bear to see too clearly. The trouble with people like me is that we have to make every goddam mistake there is to learn. It' probably not even a big thing, and if I were to think logically I'd realize that although I did screw up, it might not affect the outcome too much. But I feel like shit. Because I screwed up where any idiot would've found it impossible to screw up.
My sense of fairness, or what I thought was that, has been exposed to be a farce. With this mistake, I've realized once again that sometimes it's better not to show off your ability to see the larger picture when no one else is interested. The lesson that this incident has slammed into me, and this time I have a feeling it's for good, is "Stick to your brief". Don't try to be a poster boy for fair play or whatever just for the heck of it.
I'm not strong enough to feel great about myself because I know I am right and the world is wrong, so to hell with it. I need people, and although there aren't a lot of them, I need them to like me. One should walk for praise after one has made a century, not when one's team is dying on the field and one is the only hope. There are times when one has the luxury to play fair. Most other times, only the result matters.
Like I said, it's probably not even going to devastate me, but the way I'm going from one minor disaster to another in my life, it isn't long before Armageddon occurs. I managed to piss off two people in less than twenty-four hours, both of which were valued team members, solely because I got taken in by my own half-baked sense of nobility. And the irony of the situation is that both have absolutely no reason to be pissed because what has happened now, after my ill-fated, well-intentioned but consummately moronic mishaps, is exactly what both would've liked and wanted in the first place. The entire loop that I introduced into the situation need never have been introduced at all. Aaaaaaaaarrrggh!

Unrelated: I remembered the night's dream very vividly today when I woke up in the morning.It was about this woman who's (somewhat unjustifiably but again because of an unnecessary accident caused partially by me) annoyed at me. I'll call her The Enemy, although she's not my enemy and is in fact someone I respect tremendously.
In my dream she and I meet and some awkwardness later, she says something very uncharcteristic. She asks how can she hug me if we remain acrimonious towards each other. That is of course the reply that solves everything in one fell swoop and I melt into Milkybar and I apologize profusely and gratefully make up.
Now this dream is obviously rich with possibilities of psycho-analysis and I half-know what I'm going to find if I were to analyze this. I'm scared of what I'll articulate if I do that, so I won't and I hope the fear that I know is nudging my conscious mind will never be revealed.

Unrealted2: Small things mar my day. Small things make me thrilled with life. I hate myself for the fickleness of my emotional state. I wish I was more balanced and capable of seeing the larger picture when it really mattered.
During the course of yesterday alone, I felt normal, happy, very happy, disturbed, queasy, unhappy, ashamed, normal, happy, bored, happy and finally tired and full of doubt when I went to sleep at 3 am.

Needless to say, I write this sort of stuff when I'm unhappy, which is right now.

******
After this, I went on a multiple-hundred word tirade against IIT and how I hated it blah blah. Then I tried posting that at 5 am in the morning but no luck then either. That gave me a masochistic satisfaction that I was right in hating this place all along. Now I had this pretty long post on my hands and I knew that it didn't make much sense to post it later because it would lose its relevance once the bitterness wore off. hat made me even more frustrated so I went to the only room that had a light on on my floor, which fortunately happened to be the room of my friend who has come to be used to my futile and often illogical tirades against all manner of things ranging from the Condition Of The World to the latest bloodsucking assignment. He was on his fifth consecutive night out and hence not in a position to throw an energetic and motivated cynic out of his room when he probably should have. So I just went on and spat acid for an hour and then apologized and thanked him and then came back and went to sleep.